I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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