i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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