I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My balls are so social today.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
