John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
