i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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