the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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