so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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