I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
