why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
