I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize