I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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