Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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