My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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