highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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