One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
