I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize