I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
