it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
