Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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