So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
