I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
