Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize