it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
