I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
