I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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