I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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