I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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