Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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