I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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