i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
