I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
