Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize