I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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