You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize