Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize