I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
