i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
When are your genitals available?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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