Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
