it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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