you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Couch. On fire.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
