You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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