just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
