Jerry, you need to find god
this beer tastes like vomit already
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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