upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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