Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
