oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
