When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
