The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
