I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
