You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
