Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Randomize
