I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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