you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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